It be like that sometimes...
Chapter 1: Trying to make sense of it all.
Where to even begin….
Endings are never fun….and beginnings are never easy. How do you even start when so much has crumbled so quickly? I am hesitate to say I'm being dramatic here, because that would undermine the emotions I'm genuinely feeling. But acknowledging these feelings means accepting the harsh reality I'm in.
I am 29, in the final year of my 20s, I'm grappling with so many unknowns in my life: my career, my livelihood, my home. All these external factors seem out of my control, but the most significant uncertainties I face are internal. Me, my inner world. What do I truly desire for my life? What legacy do I wish to create? At this crossroad, I find myself constantly looking back at the path I fought so hard to follow, only to see it vanish in a dense fog. The steps I thought were laid out for me are disintegrating, leaving me feeling lost and shattered. Now, I face what feels like ten different paths, each revealing only a step or two before vanishing into that same god damn fog!
I've watched the foundations I built over 15+ years crumble, piece by piece (okay not all of them but you get the point), trying desperately to salvage what I can, often in vain. In this process, a familiar yet destructive feeling emerges, making me question the work I've put into myself these past years. The feeling of powerlessness. Being powerless in my life and its circumstances. Here I am again, standing alone, feeling as though the world has turned its back on me, yet adamantly standing my ground. Or at least, attempting to.
And this is where my story begins.
The Big Oops...
My struggle with power began the moment I was born. Writing that stings, but it's the truth. Admitting the challenges that come with being the eldest daughter of immigrant parents with seven younger siblings doesn't diminish my love for them, but it doesn't change the reality of my lived experience. I wasn't the sole author of my life story; I made that choice early on, recognizing my parents' sacrifices and struggles. I believed their sacrifices outweighed my personal desires, and my life's purpose was to validate their pains and efforts. This choice set me on a path I followed until it became unattainable. (*sigh*)
This deep, often painful wound resurfaces time and again, is calling on me to get ready to battle. A battle that is exhausting, scary as hell, and... one that I avoid as long as I can until life says otherwise. Say when, life said. When the old way of being no longer works. Regardless of how hard or how much effort I put into staying on this ride, life will hit the eject button and apologize for not giving me a parachute to land without getting injured.
The role of the "perfect daughter" began to breed resentment within me. So, I started to reclaim my power in small but significant ways. Each act of defiance, from changing college majors to leaving home despite cultural norms and eventually quitting my job to build something for myself, marked several critical points in my journey towards self-discovery. Although my first acceptance of powerlessness led me here, it also taught me the importance of reclaiming my power in ways I hadn't fully recognized.
And for that, I am both proud and hopeful for myself
To Be or Not to Be
So, where does this leave me now? The momentum I had last year is pretty much gone, and I am home now, not sure when I'll be leaving. Little action is happening in the career department. What is a girl left to do?
I feel called to rebuild my foundations, both internally and externally, which is sending me into a doozy, but I believe this reset is very much needed. Instead of simply reacting to life's circumstances, I have second chance to create a life that is truly aligned and meant for me. To reconnect with my roots, revisit the limitations my younger self placed herself, and rediscover the passions that once lit me up. Those childhood fantasies (in hindsight a trauma response) gave me a glimpse of a future filled with possibilities. They were a testament to my unique place in this world, a belief that has only strengthened over time despite the challenges.
This belief, this internal guiding light, is what I choose to embrace now and as I forge my own path
So What?
Girl, your best bet is as good as mine. But one thing I'm certain of is my desire to share this journey. (i’ve always wanted to write a book about my life anyways, might as well start now :P)
For 29 years, I've navigated the complexities of my psyche alone, and it's been an overwhelming journey (the voices were beating my ass sometimes!). I no longer want to do this in silence or impose this silence upon myself. I am tired of hiding behind smiles and optimism for the sake of not taking up space from others. I am tired of devaluing my experiences and feelings brewing in my inner world and to belief my only choice is to do this work in solitude. I am tired of feeling resenting when situations occur that make me feel unseen. The buck stops here, buddy! (i hope i used that idiom correctly. they are my achilles heel but i love them!)
This blog isn't about seeking pity for my situation; it's about offering people a glimpse into my inner world, my processing, my (comeback) story. This is a place to feel seen. We're all interconnected, and while our experiences may differ, our emotional journeys often mirror each other.
My intention is to provide reassurance and encouragement to those navigating their own paths. Having big feelings, passions, desires, dreams are OKAY (heck, they are amazing!). Life isn’t always rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies, but I think your inner world can be.
You just gotta let people into it sometimes, heck maybe even yourself.
At the End of the Day
Feeling powerless is an invitation to reconnect with oneself. It's about choosing yourself in the face of life's imbalances, a form of resistance that promises the most profound rewards. It's about being the main character of your own story.
With this in Mind
This platform is a way to express myself authentically. In a world obsessed with superficial connections, I believe we're yearning for genuine visibility and understanding. I sense that we are transitioning to a new era that values openness and transparency, and I'm here to contribute to this shift by sharing the depths of my emotional journey through this medium. My hope is that it lights a path for you, inspiring you to find your own unique way to express the inner world that craves to be seen, heard, and loved with the care it so richly deserves.
And, of course, no post of mine would be complete without a dash of humor and positivity to close us out ;)
Meme of the Day:
Song of the Day
Pronto by Karma Child
Affirmation of the Day:
“When I stop trying to contort myself into the shape of success that the world has outlined, I come into alignment with what the prosperity looks like for me” - CHANI App
(my favorite app of all-time, def recommend)
Till next time,
Minhaj*
(*my birth name that I use to sign off my jounal entries lol it’ll explain my reasoning behind this later)